CRAVE

 I have loved you since the day that I met you (September 11, 2005), which I remember so well. I feel so guilty admitting this, but I only walked into the building that day because I had to. The deal was if I wanted to go to Disney ( I was like 16, what can I say?)I had to go to church that Sunday morning. I walked in not knowing what to expect, but definitely not expecting to ever come back again. As I sat there I felt so comfortable, as if this is where I was meant to be. The music, the atmosphere, the Christians around me- the love that I felt was so overwhelming. I had never in my life felt so loved, felt so happy. In your arms, Lord, is exactly where I knew that I belonged.
 I never believed in You before that day. I never really thought about You before that day. I was never introduced to you, before those moments and I had never sought You. Honestly, I never knew who You were. After that day, my entire life changed. I was introduced to an entire new group of people. People that loved me, just because. People that consoled me when I needed it and people who ALWAYS had my best interests in mind. I grew closer to you each and every day.
 Since I met you, I don't believe that I have ever prayed to you without becoming emotional. Just the thought of unconditional love and of everything that you sacrificed for me is more than I can fathom. I am so grateful of every moment in my life that led up to the day that I fell in love with you. Just thinking now, I am at a loss for words. I cannot even begin to describe how you make me feel. I am so in love with you that I can barely contain it. I truly don't want to contain it. I want it to explode. I want the world to look at me and see you. I want to change lives through you. I want my world to revolve around you.
 I am not there yet, but I know that I will be soon. I have been marinating myself in The Word so much that it is almost all that I can think about. I have never felt this close to you and I sincerely want more. I literally CRAVE you Lord. In your arms is the only place that I want to be...
 Thank you for opening the doors for me to come back to you. I am so blessed to have been welcomed into such a wonderful church, where only the TRUTH is spoken and only LOVE is given. I was lost Lord and now I know exactly where I am meant to be.

I don't want to love you anymore...

We were never really friends. It was silly of me to turn to you as if you were a friend. With every conversation, I expected more. I always thought that maybe this time you would say something different. Maybe this time you will tell me that your feelings have changed and that you made a mistake. Nothing ever changed though. Like a fool I held onto something that never really existed in the first place.

  I want this all to end, but how many times will I say goodbye before I actually mean it? I just want it to all disappear- the bond that we had, the connection between us, the feelings that I have for you. I don’t want to think about you any more. I don’t want to get excited when I hear from you. Honestly, I don’t want to hear from you at all. I get my hopes up when I do, but it isn’t your fault. I don’t want to hear your name or picture your face anymore. I don’t want to miss you any more. I don’t want to love you any more.

Limitless

So much is expected when you are young. We expect to grow older and have the perfect job, the perfect partner, the best friend, and an amazing life. The truth is that we grow and things get tougher. Feelings fade, friendships are torn apart, emotions become confusing, and we are only left to wonder, when?

  When will things become real? When I say real, I mean honest. I mean true. I mean meaningful. With age comes heartbreak, betrayal, and disappointing realizations. I am not being pessimistic, just realistic. I know that things will get better, then worse, then better again. It is just the cycle of life. Eventually the ache that I have now will be replaced by new and different emotions.

  I will understand the reason for all of these struggles one day. I don’t want to wallow in my own pity, but I am really disappointed; In myself mainly. I would really like someone that I can tell everything to. I want a damn companionship that does not have any limitations.

 I yearn for someone that understand me fully and is completely open and honest with me. I am sick of chasing after this high that someone I love gives me. I want to be the high that someone cannot live without :( It would be so satisfying to call someone up and tell them every damn thought in my head, without them judging me or rushing me or misunderstanding be or becoming offended.

 My time will come, this I know. I just hope that I learn to patiently wait…

Until Eternity is Sore

 The hope still lingers in me but I do not hold onto hope, for it holds onto me. Giving up on you would be giving up on myself; I cannot let myself down, no, not this time.

 You are so far away, but so close to my soul. I go back to our first kiss and the warmth of your heart still consumes every ounce of me. The risk, the softness, the longing. The realness of it all, still so alive inside of me.

 How could you ever not be mine? The Notebook, but I am Noah and you are Allie. I can't let go, while you are steadily trying to forget. Something will always be missing. You and I both know it. It will never be the same, a comparison never to be met. I will write and go without response, just as Noah did.

 Knowing the harm that I am bringing to myself is not enough to stop me. I am compelled to write. A force within me will not surrender. The woman that I am will never fully shine, without you to brighten me each day. I will work, work, work to distract myself, but at the end of a long, rough day you will always be there, waiting, at the back of my mind, ready to remind me of all that I want. All that I love. All that I am missing.

 The moment that I feel I can make it through, you will spring back up. Just as you always do, bringing my spirit back to life, as only you can do. This is my life. This is my heart. It should belong to me and me alone, yet somehow you hold it in your hands. You forget it is there. You neglect it, then nurture it back to health. You wait until the last beat and resuscitate it just enough to keep it going a little longer.

 The beauty that resides within you, makes my body ache with hunger. Everything about you is almost more than my heart can bear, yet I want more; every second, of every day. Every night with you was one that I wished to last forever. If given the chance, I could talk to you forever and if we ever ran out of words, our silence together would be enough to keep me satisfied forever. A silence full of words, that don't need to be spoken. A bond full of promises, that can never be damaged or broken.

 I wish I could say the right words that would make you mine forever, but only the words of your heart can be trusted forever.

 All that I need from you is one compulsive act, as Allie with Noah. Just one impulsive decision to visit me, one last time and I will show you that it isn't the last time. That there could never be a last time, with you and I. I will show you that everything that has ever happened in your past was for a reason. I am the reason. WE are the reason.

 It is easy for you to forget when you don't have the memories staring you in the face. Unlike you, I am living with the memories. In this house. In this town. In these letters. In this heart. It all started less than a year ago and less than two months ago it was over. Just like that. It feels like a lifetime since I've heard your voice speak softly about your lovely heart's feelings for me. It seems like decades since I have seen your beautiful face, yet it feels like I've known you for a thousand years or more.

 And I will hold you here, in my heart, until eternity is sore...