God is the light in the darkness

  As much as I love talking to him, I hate it all the same. It only reminds me of why I fell for him and why we fell apart. It reminds me of how much I cared and how much he didn't. It tears me a part to hear him talk about another woman... but at the same time I want to listen because I want to be there for him. Why do I want someone that is so bad for me? I know that it would never work out, but I feel like if he asked me, I would say yes. I know that I would give 100%, while he gave 50%. I know all these things... So what keeps me hanging on? Jesus, I feel like I am talking about David right now... this is terrible. He is David all over again... I knew this. I knew when we got together that he was just like David. I just had that little voice telling me that he isnt David and he could be different. I should have known... But at least in the end I can say that I tried, that I have my all, and took a chance. It was a lesson learned.
   I feel like as I get older, I realize more and more that all of these wrong people were in my life for a reason... They tought me what I do and do NOT want in a husband. They tought me what to do and what NOT to do in a relationship. For that I am grateful. After all of these obstacles, there has got to be a prize at the end... right? I mean after holding on for so  long. After picking myself up and fighting again and again, I am bound to receive a prize in the end.
   I have decided to rebuild my relationship with God. I need to if I want complete happiness. I will never be happy without God in my life. I am doing my best to remember to pray every day, to look toward him when I just want to hide away. If there is a light at the end of the tunnel, it is in his arms...

My Dream Boy... Literally.

I had a dream last night... I dreamt of an amazing boy. I dreamt of love and happiness. I dreamt of comfort mixed with romance. Ah. I hate dreams of love, because when you awake, alone-love seems so out of reach.


Well this was one of those dreams that you think about all day long. Such a beautiful, fairytale dream. I was on a cruise with my Gramma and I met this guy, a young guy... younger than me. I cannot quite see his face, but I can tell you that he wasnt the type that I date... He was white and skinny... light, longish hair. Lord he was amazing... my dream guy(haha, get it!? lol) His personality was what got me... I don't remember much, but I do remember him and I play fighting and running around the ship with eachother, like children in love, I suppose. It was so much fun and I was so damn happy. Everything felt so real, so right... for once. My Gramma loved him and was happy for me. I remember not having a care in the world. Not worrying about what would happen after the vacation ended... We were just living and loving the moments. When he held me it felt like right where I belonged. God, it was beautiful. This is a time where I wish dreams, really did predict the near future. One thing I found odd about my dream is that I remember meeting him and our time together so clearly, but I don't remember the cruise ending or him and I parting... Maybe this IS a sign. I hope.... I wish.

My Dream Interpretted:

Love-To dream of love or being in love, suggests intense feelings carried over from a waking relationship. It refers to your contentment with what you already have and where you are in life. On the other hand, the dream may be compensatory and implies that you may not be getting enough love in your life. We naturally long for the sense to belong and to be accepted

Vacation-To dream that you are on vacation, indicates that you need a break to recharge your energies and revitalize yourself. You need to break out of your daily routine and do something different

Cruise-To dream that you are on a cruise, represents some emotional journey that you are going through.

Ship-To see a ship in your dream, denotes that you are exploring aspects of your emotions and unconscious. The state and condition of the ship is indicative of your emotional state. If you dream of a cruise ship, then it suggests pleasant moods.

Fun/Play-To dream that you are playing, refers to your tendency to go against the norm and break the rules of convention. You are displaying unrestricted creativity. Alternatively, playing implies that you are all work and no play. You need to relax and let loose.

Grandmother- To see your grandmother in your dream, represents nurturance, protection, and unconditional love. Consider the qualities and characteristics that exist in your own grandmother.She may also be the archetypal symbol of the wise old woman

Happy- To dream that you are happy, may be a compensatory dream and is often a dream of the contrary. You may be trying to compensate for the sadness or stress in your waking life.

Romance-To dream of romance, suggests that you need to be more affectionate in your waking life. Perhaps you are longing for more romance in your personal relationship

Just Give Me Love

I Long for a love that will last a lifetime. It may sound selfish, but I don't want to wait. I want it right now. I don't care if I am young. I want to love and be loved back. I want a relationship based on loyalty, love, friendship, equality, honesty, humor, kept promises, and tear filled laughs. I want to find Mr. or Mrs. Right. I want to give them everything I have to offer and for them to be so completely blown away, that they tell me that I have given too much. I want THEM to give ME their entire mind, body, heart, and soul. I want to be so physically attracted to them that I just want to jump their bones at every site. I want them to find me so irresistable that they literally have to stop themselves from tearing my clothes off. I want someone that understands me more than anything, never judges me, and gets all of my lame jokes... and laughs with me. I don't ever want to have to worry that another woman will take my place. I want more passion than you find in a romance novel. I want undeniable, uncontrollable, tear jerking love. I want to be the sunshine is someone's world. I want me and my love, to have our FIRST child TOGETHER. I want to buy a house together, to help start eachothers' careers. I want someone that makes me into a better person, as I do the same for them. I want love like Noah and Alley. I want forever committment like in A Walk to Remember. I want to be silly with my love as they hold my tight. I want to wake up in their arms. I want us to be able to agree to disagree. I want us to work through our problems and allow them to make our relationship stronger. I want someone to tell me the hurtful truth, in the most gentle way. I want them to walk into a crowded room and me be the first person they see. I want someone to ask ME questions about my life for once, just because they want to learn more about who I am. I need someone that doesn't get angry for no reason at all. Someone willing to help me out around MY house, just because they care. I would love to be SPOILED for once in my life, I would spoil them equally. I want to KNOW that no matter what I say or what decisions I make, that this person will stick by my side a support me. I want a RIDE OR DIE. I want them to WANT to be seen with me, Not only that, but to brag about me to others. I want them to be proud of me and our relationship. I want to be the first thing they think about in the morning and the last thing that think about before bed. I want them to call me, text me, or just show up at my house because they are thinking of me. I would like flowers or cards, just because they want to see my smile. I'd love for someone to not be able to sleep without telling my goodnight. I want them to hurry through their day, just because they know that they will see me later. I want someone that shares my taste in movies and music. Someone open minded and laid back. Someone with a great future and a great job NOW. I am asking for a lot, only because I know that I have sooo much to offer in a relationship... I guess this is really what every woman wants...