I said that I would try and write every day, I knew that was a lie. lol. I really do need to write, but I am not sure of what to write about really... I could write about the sadness that I have in my heart, but what good would that do. Maybe I could write about how I feel as if I will never find true love, Well that's just depressing. There are many things that I would like to express, but I don't really know how too. I could say that I miss my past, but that would be another lie. I miss bits and pieces of it of course, but the longer I live, the more I feel myself becomming a better woman. I learn more every day, more about this cruel world and more about ways to survive and succeed in it. I know that if I can just find a bit of motivation that I will be successful one day. I know that I am a strong woman and can take on almost any talk at hand. I know all of this, but I still find myself wondering "Where do I go from here...?"
My quote of the day is "How can we find love, when we are constantly at war?" How do you expect me to fall in love, when we constantly argue? How can I be happy, when I feel like I am not making you happy? Negative energy, puts me in a negative mood. I don't want to go through this all over again. Not another break up... Not another heartache, not another embarassment. I am putting every ounce of me into this relationship and putting up with things that I usually wouldnt, because I keep thinking (hoping): If I hold on a little bit longer, things are bound to get better... If I bite my tongue one more time, it will prevent an argument. At the same time I am thinking: Fuck that! This is who I am! I don't bite my tongue, unless I have too. I don't deal with things that I dont want too and I SHOULDN'T have too! Then I start to think... Well maybe it is ME!? Maybe I am doing something wrong, maybe I deserve to be alone, or maybe we just aren't meant to be...
Do you believe that two people just aren't meant to be, no matter how much they may have in common, or how much of a connection they have? I am confused with that statement though, because God puts everyone in your life for a reason, so whatever kind of "relationship" you develop with the person WAS meant to be, even if it was only for a short period of time. I believe every person was put into your life to teach you something... Whether it be to teach you love, hate, hurt, honesty, maturity, or to even teach you how to be a kid again. So maybe the saying just means MEANT TO BE TOGETHER FOREVER. What is your belief on soul mates? Do you believe that their IS one person in the world meant just for you, or even a few soul mates? Or do you just meet someone and build a soul together? What if you met your so-called soul mate and something went wrong? What if you lost them forever...? Then what? Would you just never meet anyone ever again? So many questions, that nobody can really answer... Are some people just meant to be ALONE? I don't believe so, because no matter what anyone says I believe everyone feels lonliness.
Sometimes I feel like my life will not be long enough to do everything that I want too in it. Other times I feel like this life just isn't for me and like the days are flying by and like I have accomplished nothing. Another random question... Falling in love... Do you allow yourself to fall in love? Can you stop yourself? Can something just be holding you back from falling in love? If the answer is no... then what do you do if you feel as if you will never fall in love again? When you meet someone and get to know everything about them and for some reason you havent fallen in love, does that mean that you will never fall in love with that person? I am just confused, because with my experience with love it happened within the first month or two... Dammit I miss that feeling. Maybe it is just too soon for me to fall in love, maybe the heartache is still there hidden under my smile, and it just hasn't surfaced yet. Maybe an event needs to take place for me to catch the heartache off guard and throw it out for good... or maybe it is there for a reason? Maybe it isn't there at all... Like everyone else, I just want to be happy. I want to live my life without constant arguements. I don't want to have to watch what I say (like a child) because I am afraid that someone will take it the wrong way. I don't want to explain myself when I have done nothing wrong. I don't want to cry because of a build up on aggrivation...
I just want happiness. That is all.
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