Thank You Father, Thank You Mother

Thank you Father for only calling me, every year or so,Thank you for not caring what I did and for all the love you failed to show. Thank you for forgetting my birthday, Oh and Christmas too. Thank you for never thinking of me and for never following through. Thank you for yelling at me for no reason at all, thanks for always giving up on me when I started to fall. Thanks for putting only yourself first, Thanks for never trying to take away my hurt. Thanks for all that you never gave me, And for crushing my every dream. Thanks for never teaching me, right from wrong, Thank you for being away for far too long. Thanks for never listening when I called out to only you, Thank you Father for not caring about all she put me through....

Thank you Mother for always putting me last, Thank you for forgetting me so fast. Thank you for leaving me alone late at night, Thank you for pushing me untill I had to fight. Thank you for never asking what Id like to do, Thank you for all the forgotten I Love Yous. Thank you for telling me Im worthless, and balling up your fists. Thanks for never helping me through life, Thanks for making me turn to the knife. Thanks for every insult, Thanks for sending me all of the guilt. Thank You for never being a mother at all, Thanks for critisizing my every flaw. Thanks for not ever showing me affection and Thank You for never trying to teach me a life lesson.  Thanks for putting me in a household that was unsafe, Thanks for breaking apart my every belief. Thanks for never being proud, Thanks for never letting me keep my head in the clouds. Thank you for basically giving me away, Thank you for not even wanting me to stay. Thanks for all of the embarrassment and Thank you Mother for never once being a real parent.

Thank You Both because I am now strong, Thank you both because I refuse to repeat your wrongs. Thank you because I am who I am today. Thank you because now I have so much to say. Thank you because I am independent and know what I want, Thank you because your dreams, I now haunt. Thank You because I can deal with most pain, Thank You because now I have so much to gain. Thank You because now I know to never walk away, Thank You because I will be there for my child, until my dying day. Thank you because I can learn from your mistakes, Thank You Father, Thank You Mother, because now I know what real love takes....

Living Better Now

   If you have not noticed, Im a very difficult, bitchy, mysterious, passionate, unaffectionate, cold hearted, yet compassionate woman. Yep... thats me. Seriously, it is. Im waiting to give my all in my relationship, subconsciously I feel like I wait for the other person to give their all before I let it all out. Before I bring them into my "secret world" as my boyfriend would say. Unfair, that may be. I would change that about myself, but I don't believe that it possible. Well, I guess since I have recognize that it is an issue, than I can attempt to make the changes. I am trying, I really am.
   I want to become a better girlfriend, a better friend, a better employee, a better... person really. I have been working on myself a lot within these past few months. Others may not notice, but I know that I have changed and I guess that's all that matters. Ive done my best to bite my tongue when I needed too, to prevent an arguement or a debate. Ive done my best at work to keep a positive attitude and to be as helpful to anyone and everyone, as possible. It is difficult on some days though... It is a struggle, when you are making changes and they go unnoticed.
   A friend of mine recently gave me some simple, yet wonderful advice- "Dont take everything so seriously," she said. Its true... I am young. I need to relax a little, Calm down some. I need to remember where my happiness came from before... I should really do my best to stress less and LIVE more. I mean really LIVE. Ugh. I say all of these things and tomorrow I will be right back here, behind this desk, working an 8 hour shift, wondering when the heck I will find time to LIVE. When I am not working, Im sleeping. When Im not sleeping Im working... On my days off Im getting house work done or being lazy. I dont find happiness in the small things any more. I guess that all goes back to mind control and prayer. I need to let myself find happiness in the beautiful things. I need to pray more and worry less. I should really stop trying to control every little thing in my life and kinda leave it in God's hands. At least if I do that then I KNOW that I will go down the right path and find my smile in all the right things.
   I just dont want to end up like my parents- Living lifes that don't make them happy, Angry all of the time, ENRAGED over the smallest things, Unsuccesful, Alone.... I need to become the woman that my mother failed to become. I just need some friends by my side to help me, to push me sometimes. It will make me want to be a better person, If I am doing it for someone...

An order of happiness please.

 I said that I would try and write every day, I knew that was a lie. lol. I really do need to write, but I am not sure of what to write about really... I could write about the sadness that I have in my heart, but what good would that do. Maybe I could write about how I feel as if I will never find true love, Well that's just depressing. There are many things that I would like to express, but I don't really know how too. I could say that I miss my past, but that would be another lie. I miss bits and pieces of it of course, but the longer I live, the more I feel myself becomming a better woman. I learn more every day, more about this cruel world and more about ways to survive and succeed in it. I know that if I can just find a bit of motivation that I will be successful one day. I know that I am a strong woman and can take on almost any talk at hand. I know all of this, but I still find myself wondering "Where do I go from here...?"
  My quote of the day is "How can we find love, when we are constantly at war?" How do you expect me to fall in love, when we constantly argue? How can I be happy, when I feel like I am not making you happy? Negative energy, puts me in a negative mood. I don't want to go through this all over again. Not another break up... Not another heartache, not another embarassment. I am putting every ounce of me into this relationship and putting up with things that I usually wouldnt, because I keep thinking (hoping): If I hold on a little bit longer, things are bound to get better... If I bite my tongue one more time, it will prevent an argument. At the same time I am thinking: Fuck that! This is who I am! I don't bite my tongue, unless I have too. I don't deal with things that I dont want too and I SHOULDN'T have too! Then I start to think... Well maybe it is ME!? Maybe I am doing something wrong, maybe I deserve to be alone, or maybe we just aren't meant to be...
   Do you believe that two people just aren't meant to be, no matter how much they may have in common, or how much of a connection they have? I am confused with that statement though, because God puts everyone in your life for a reason, so whatever kind of "relationship" you develop with the person WAS meant to be, even if it was only for a short period of time. I believe every person was put into your life to teach you something... Whether it be to teach you love, hate, hurt, honesty, maturity, or to even teach you how to be a kid again. So maybe the saying just means MEANT TO BE TOGETHER FOREVER. What is your belief on soul mates? Do you believe that their IS one person in the world meant just for you, or even a few soul mates? Or do you just meet someone and build a soul together? What if you met your so-called soul mate and something went wrong? What if you lost them forever...? Then what? Would you just never meet anyone ever again? So many questions, that nobody can really answer... Are some people just meant to be ALONE? I don't believe so, because no matter what anyone says I believe everyone feels lonliness.
    Sometimes I feel like my life will not be long enough to do everything that I want too in it. Other times I feel like this life just isn't for me and like the days are flying by and like I have accomplished nothing. Another random question... Falling in love... Do you allow yourself to fall in love? Can you stop yourself? Can something just be holding you back from falling in love? If the answer is no... then what do you do if you feel as if you will never fall in love again? When you meet someone and get to know everything about them and for some reason you havent fallen in love, does that mean that you will never fall in love with that person? I am just confused, because with my experience with love it happened within the first month or two... Dammit I miss that feeling. Maybe it is  just too soon for me to fall in love, maybe the heartache is still there hidden under my smile, and it just hasn't surfaced yet. Maybe an event needs to take place for me to catch the heartache off guard and throw it out for good... or maybe it is there for a reason? Maybe it isn't there at all... Like everyone else, I just want to be happy. I want to live my life without constant arguements. I don't want to have to watch what I say (like a child) because I am afraid that someone will take it the wrong way. I don't want to explain myself when I have done nothing wrong. I don't want to cry because of a build up on aggrivation...
I just want happiness. That is all.

A Parentless Child

I know that I need to write because I have been so stressed out. I don't know what it is, but lately I have really been longing for some parental love. It sucks that most of my friends have their parents to fall back on if they need to. I mean I am sooo happy for them that they have it, but it makes me long for it even more. I feel like noone understands how I feel and the one person that would understand isn't in my life any more. Ive felt so torn by this lately. It sucks because there is nothing that I can do about this except for accept that this is how my life was meant to be. I know that I would be a completely different person if I did have parents that were there for me, but it would be nice to know how it feels to have their support. Its depressing really, when I call my mom and she ignores my calls and never calls me back. Or when she says that she will come and see me and never does. And wtf am I the one making all of the effort to see her? She should be trying to spend time with ME. She's the parent! Gosh I wish that someone understood me and what I am going through :( This shit is just so difficult... And my father, well he doesn't even try to contact me! And I have no way of contacting him... the last time I heard from him was probably January of this year and it was just him cussing me out on my voicemail because I didnt answer the phone... Wtf?
   I just feel like they don't care enough to see me or contact me. I feel like they arent proud of me and my accomplishments... I am so emotional over this shit...

God is the light in the darkness

  As much as I love talking to him, I hate it all the same. It only reminds me of why I fell for him and why we fell apart. It reminds me of how much I cared and how much he didn't. It tears me a part to hear him talk about another woman... but at the same time I want to listen because I want to be there for him. Why do I want someone that is so bad for me? I know that it would never work out, but I feel like if he asked me, I would say yes. I know that I would give 100%, while he gave 50%. I know all these things... So what keeps me hanging on? Jesus, I feel like I am talking about David right now... this is terrible. He is David all over again... I knew this. I knew when we got together that he was just like David. I just had that little voice telling me that he isnt David and he could be different. I should have known... But at least in the end I can say that I tried, that I have my all, and took a chance. It was a lesson learned.
   I feel like as I get older, I realize more and more that all of these wrong people were in my life for a reason... They tought me what I do and do NOT want in a husband. They tought me what to do and what NOT to do in a relationship. For that I am grateful. After all of these obstacles, there has got to be a prize at the end... right? I mean after holding on for so  long. After picking myself up and fighting again and again, I am bound to receive a prize in the end.
   I have decided to rebuild my relationship with God. I need to if I want complete happiness. I will never be happy without God in my life. I am doing my best to remember to pray every day, to look toward him when I just want to hide away. If there is a light at the end of the tunnel, it is in his arms...

My Dream Boy... Literally.

I had a dream last night... I dreamt of an amazing boy. I dreamt of love and happiness. I dreamt of comfort mixed with romance. Ah. I hate dreams of love, because when you awake, alone-love seems so out of reach.


Well this was one of those dreams that you think about all day long. Such a beautiful, fairytale dream. I was on a cruise with my Gramma and I met this guy, a young guy... younger than me. I cannot quite see his face, but I can tell you that he wasnt the type that I date... He was white and skinny... light, longish hair. Lord he was amazing... my dream guy(haha, get it!? lol) His personality was what got me... I don't remember much, but I do remember him and I play fighting and running around the ship with eachother, like children in love, I suppose. It was so much fun and I was so damn happy. Everything felt so real, so right... for once. My Gramma loved him and was happy for me. I remember not having a care in the world. Not worrying about what would happen after the vacation ended... We were just living and loving the moments. When he held me it felt like right where I belonged. God, it was beautiful. This is a time where I wish dreams, really did predict the near future. One thing I found odd about my dream is that I remember meeting him and our time together so clearly, but I don't remember the cruise ending or him and I parting... Maybe this IS a sign. I hope.... I wish.

My Dream Interpretted:

Love-To dream of love or being in love, suggests intense feelings carried over from a waking relationship. It refers to your contentment with what you already have and where you are in life. On the other hand, the dream may be compensatory and implies that you may not be getting enough love in your life. We naturally long for the sense to belong and to be accepted

Vacation-To dream that you are on vacation, indicates that you need a break to recharge your energies and revitalize yourself. You need to break out of your daily routine and do something different

Cruise-To dream that you are on a cruise, represents some emotional journey that you are going through.

Ship-To see a ship in your dream, denotes that you are exploring aspects of your emotions and unconscious. The state and condition of the ship is indicative of your emotional state. If you dream of a cruise ship, then it suggests pleasant moods.

Fun/Play-To dream that you are playing, refers to your tendency to go against the norm and break the rules of convention. You are displaying unrestricted creativity. Alternatively, playing implies that you are all work and no play. You need to relax and let loose.

Grandmother- To see your grandmother in your dream, represents nurturance, protection, and unconditional love. Consider the qualities and characteristics that exist in your own grandmother.She may also be the archetypal symbol of the wise old woman

Happy- To dream that you are happy, may be a compensatory dream and is often a dream of the contrary. You may be trying to compensate for the sadness or stress in your waking life.

Romance-To dream of romance, suggests that you need to be more affectionate in your waking life. Perhaps you are longing for more romance in your personal relationship

Just Give Me Love

I Long for a love that will last a lifetime. It may sound selfish, but I don't want to wait. I want it right now. I don't care if I am young. I want to love and be loved back. I want a relationship based on loyalty, love, friendship, equality, honesty, humor, kept promises, and tear filled laughs. I want to find Mr. or Mrs. Right. I want to give them everything I have to offer and for them to be so completely blown away, that they tell me that I have given too much. I want THEM to give ME their entire mind, body, heart, and soul. I want to be so physically attracted to them that I just want to jump their bones at every site. I want them to find me so irresistable that they literally have to stop themselves from tearing my clothes off. I want someone that understands me more than anything, never judges me, and gets all of my lame jokes... and laughs with me. I don't ever want to have to worry that another woman will take my place. I want more passion than you find in a romance novel. I want undeniable, uncontrollable, tear jerking love. I want to be the sunshine is someone's world. I want me and my love, to have our FIRST child TOGETHER. I want to buy a house together, to help start eachothers' careers. I want someone that makes me into a better person, as I do the same for them. I want love like Noah and Alley. I want forever committment like in A Walk to Remember. I want to be silly with my love as they hold my tight. I want to wake up in their arms. I want us to be able to agree to disagree. I want us to work through our problems and allow them to make our relationship stronger. I want someone to tell me the hurtful truth, in the most gentle way. I want them to walk into a crowded room and me be the first person they see. I want someone to ask ME questions about my life for once, just because they want to learn more about who I am. I need someone that doesn't get angry for no reason at all. Someone willing to help me out around MY house, just because they care. I would love to be SPOILED for once in my life, I would spoil them equally. I want to KNOW that no matter what I say or what decisions I make, that this person will stick by my side a support me. I want a RIDE OR DIE. I want them to WANT to be seen with me, Not only that, but to brag about me to others. I want them to be proud of me and our relationship. I want to be the first thing they think about in the morning and the last thing that think about before bed. I want them to call me, text me, or just show up at my house because they are thinking of me. I would like flowers or cards, just because they want to see my smile. I'd love for someone to not be able to sleep without telling my goodnight. I want them to hurry through their day, just because they know that they will see me later. I want someone that shares my taste in movies and music. Someone open minded and laid back. Someone with a great future and a great job NOW. I am asking for a lot, only because I know that I have sooo much to offer in a relationship... I guess this is really what every woman wants...